Sometimes out of the blue something strange,a sound ,a smell, a song will take me back in time where all the world was right..Back to the first time I saw my love,or hugged and kissed him for the first time.
Back to a place where my children were little and had no clue just what a hard life was. They were so happy back then so innocent to all the ugliness of this world. Their biggest pain was a scraped knee and as a mom of course I would kiss it away, or daddy would make it better. Back to a place where my heart was whole and not shattered into the million pieces it would all to soon come crashing down and not meant to be.
Back to a time of hide and seek,and amazing summer nights where it was mommy and daddy and late night fishing on a camping trip gone hilliariously wrong because my oldest brother and my love almost burned down land between the lakes trying to start a campfire.
But then out of the blue a different sound,smell or song makes it goes from those memories to the day half of me went to heaven..The day my life split into and the word pulled the rug right out from under me and my babies..I see my love now smiling happy in my dreams now ,now that my pain has been pushed down and my anger has left..Worst phrase ever is “Time heals all wounds”. This phrase is a lie it never heals,the void remains but time does make it easier to be able to move forward to remember the good times.
Half of me will always be missing I will always have days that are harder than others…I will always have the flashbacks to that fairytale life and the day the fairytale ended way to soon. But the good will always over come the bad to me now because I was blessed to know him,blessed to hold him,blessed to call him mine. I have the best part of that life and that’s our babies that he loved more than life itself and the beautiful grandbabies that he would have spoiled rotten..It never goes away the pain,but it becomes bearable and you learn to crawl before you walk so to speak.. Because you learn to let the light in instead of the dark. You learn to overcome the fear that grips you everytime you start to try to love again. You learn that you are going to be okay and love will come again. “The owner of the broken heart will finally start to mend”, I was so afraid for the longest time that if I let someone in or let someone get close to me they would suffer the same fate as my love. I was so afraid to try to love to try to give my all to anyone else just to lose it all again. Finally I realized I’m not cursed , I will never love anyone like I loved him, but I can love again and that love can be just strong only in a different way. Someone that understands I still have pain, I still am wounded but except me and my babies anyway,love them as his own love these beautiful grandbabies as his own,and isn’t jealous of my love I lost because I do still have nightmares sometimes. To understand that my pain is deep, but love me anyways. My love died in 2001 in 2010 I met the man I’m proud to call mine and he loves me flaws and all..He understands half of me is gone but stands by me and became “The dad he didn’t have to be”(in te famous words of Brad Paisley)”)to my children and is an amazing popaw now to our grandmunkins…He loves them and they all love him.
My love still comes in my dreams but I believe it’s just to say he’s ok..I know he’s with our Father, I know he has no pain,for this I’m thankful for this gives me some peace.
My writing maybe dark seem a bit morbid to some I suppose it is because it’s part of me,part of you part of the darkness we don’t want others to see. Maybe it’s because of death I have no fear or because of things I’ve survived in this life. Maybe its because I love the things that others fear I see beauty in the darkness and in its many imperfections of its soul. The darkness does not scare me only comforts me like an old friend I’ve come to know so well. The darkness does not hide itself nor the shadows that dwell within it only brings the night and I’m with you once again. The darkness does not try to be more than what it is a large night sky or blackness an overpowering abyss. I will face the darkness and carry it with me for all my scars to see. I am its friend and it is mine and forever this will be. The darkness is a place,a place the lonely go,where the pain can’t see it’s way to haunt me. The place where me the broken one doesn’t feel so alone, because there is others here,the lost, the wounded, the ones to broke to fly but we are not alone I have the darkness and he has I…A place of where broken dreams and promises of a tiny blonde haired girl now dwells and the hopes that died with them,what seems like an eternity ago. A place of comfort for me where all that’s wrong seems so right, a place where nothing can touch me ,a place of peace until its filled with light. Even the Angel’s fear to tread where the darkness lives and the demons of the past sees it as it is all consuming waiting to swallow them up and send them back where they belong. To me its calming,guiding and stands as a shelter in the storm we call life!
When you get down just look at me,
When you feel lonely know I love you.
When you feel like your nobody special remember I think you hung the moon.
When you feel like giving in and giving up remember I’m watching your every move, looking up to you for guidance for strength just like my brothers before me.
Just remember our bond is different in a way I was sent to light your way as well as you light mine, remember I wouldn’t dare blow my birthday candles out without you there I cried to blow yours out on your birthday too but I couldn’t be there.
Remember how you made a special trip to blow out one of mommies scented candles, so I would be ok. mommy says there is nothing here that’s not been before , if this is true then Maybe just maybe I’m a friend from long ago taken way to soon ,or maybe more recent and I just knew you needed me or maybe I needed you. So I returned, returned for you to calm the storm ,the storm that lies beneath ,the storm that only we can see.
I need you and you need me I’m your light and you are mine the light I need when life gets tough til I’m old enough to face the same. I bring you love,and only love, no more pain.. I know the road gets long and the burdens way to heavy, to heavy to carry alone, So I was sent to you to be the beacon, the light house on the shore line the light that leads you home.
Take courage my heart stay Steadfast my soul for he is in the waiting!!
I love this saying it gives me comfort when I can’t see the light for the Pain.
I never knew I could hurt so much for someone else until my oldest son lost his love. I would rather it be me a 100x over than him his words echoing in my ears his pain his tears as he said she wrecked momma she didn’t make it. I felt my heart jump up into my throat creating a knot to where I couldn’t breathe couldn’t swallow,my body went numb my heart was pounding in my head he said please momma I need you your coming aren’t you?! I knew I had to get to him to hold him to tell him it would be ok with trembling knees I ran out the door strapped Kross into his seat and with mom riding copilot I made the longest drive of my life to get to where he was. My heart was breaking as he collapsed into me and we both almost went down. I was taken back back to a place I know all to well the place of darkness, heartbreak,soul crushing pain. I’ve loved him since the day I laid eyes on him I would give anything to take his pain to make it not so but I can’t all I can do is watch watch as he starts the journey down the road I’ve walked so many times the dark, hollow,lonely voyage of a road of broken dreams,broken spirits,broken hearts and endless abyss waiting to swallow you up with all the why’s, the what ifs,the lost.
I was lost for so long I was determined he was not going to get lost on this ominous voyage on this road of broken dreams,promises,and Hope’s. His life was not going to be left drifting in a sea of emotions of loneliness like I has been. I was angry once again why, how how can you allow this to happen to him am I greater than you cause I can’t watch his pain and not want to take it myself. You turned your back and made the sky go black and the earth shake wanting to destroy your own creation when your son was being crucified. But I’m supposed to watch mine be tortured because you did nothing! Then outa the blue it hit me like a ton of bricks like the world just crashed down on my shoulders he didn’t cause this hes crying with me he sees his pain and feels it just as much as I do! If I believe in him that hes real then I must believe in Evil too right?! Yes Evil , I realized God was there he pulled us close and he took her home cause he was not gonna let the devil win not this time we as well as she were his and his arms of protection were around us like an impenetrable armor. And then I heard the words once again the same words that I heard the day my love died Take courage my heart be Steadfast my soul for he is in the waiting ,he is in the waiting! I knew the devil was trying to break us trying to turn us against the Father I Loved so much the Father I treasured and have felt so many times but this time he was after my son! I would not let this happen you can’t have him I have faith enough to carry us both and God the Father is our Shield our Armor and you wont defeat him. My son is so faithful such a believer and I would not allow him to lose his faith his hope his love in our father. I’d walk through Hell for any of my children but I wouldn’t walk through it alone I had him the one the only father the king of kings the Great I Am. He is who is in the waiting hes always there he will heal the broken heart and open another door sometimes greater than the one he closes.
What is grief except an empty word hollow nothing but pain and sadness waiting to consume you with every turn.
Condolences what is condolences except empty words that people use during the time of loss.
I’m sorry what is I’m so sorry except words that people say that doesn’t make the pain go away but they don’t no what else to say.
Day by day what’s this except the motion of having to wake up each day remembering the one you love is gone. But you still have to go on. Breathing because it’s a reaction not because you want too.
Pain what’s pain except the empty song on the broken wings of a song bird that will fly no more.
Time heals all wounds what’s this but something you tell your self to feel better in the moment. Something to make you keep going running through the motions that are winding and never ending.
Heart break what’s this except two halves that make a whole with one half missing for eternity.
Love what is love except an empty word full of pain and promises of a life that will never come to be. Gone for an eternity,shattered,and broken lost never to return again.
All these things compose grief all this but no relief none of this makes it easier nor does it help it heal. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is to see my child lose the one he loves a pain I can’t describe all their dreams gone in an instant. I hated seeing him walk this road I’ve already traveled when I was his age and lost his father. A road noone should ever have to travel much less a child. A future of broken dreams,promises and an endless nightmare from which you never wake. As i held him listening trying to tell myself I would carry him when he couldn’t stand trying to convince myself there was a reason for all of this when i know deep down there isn’t and knowing even if there was it wouldn’t matter because it wouldn’t stop pain the heart break the shattering of the soul as one half is torn away.
I know evil exists it has its clutches on all that it is good it broke the wing of the tiny song bird that can fly no more forever forcefully grounded but yet it still sings the beautiful song it was created to sing. When your children are little they break your heart when they are grown they break on your soul. But I will find the strength the strength to carry you son when your knees can’t hold you and I will hold you when the road gets to be to much this is the promise of a mother with a broken heart from seeing her child in such pain desperate to take it all away make it right but knowing she can’t. Love you always momma
When I was younger and even after I married my love. My mom kept saying you need to have a career something you love but I had all I needed all I ever wanted to be in life was a housewife and a mom,not a doctor or lawyer or some other profession just simply a mother. I knew in my heart it would be the only job for me mothers are all professions rolled into one. You are a doctor,a teacher,a friend,a disciplinarian and a mother. You are responsible for being their whole world upto a certain point and you are their rock when they can’t be strong. Mother is God in the eyes of a child. The best thing was I was living my dream I had it all and it was enough. I use to get so angry at my mom when she would say this because I was thinking you were a mother and housewife so why do you not think that is important. I kept thinking hes never gonna leave me we aren’t going to divorce that wasn’t why we married. I never thought it could be that she seen what was coming and I didn’t that she knew in all her wisdom their was things far worse than divorce waiting in my future. The day he passed away I knew it though I was hit in the face with a dose of reality like no other and I remember people saying shes in shock it hasn’t sunk in yet but I wasn’t I was in the least amount of shock to me because I’d just viewed the body of what use to be my love it was cold nit warm like him it was lifeless which wasn’t him either. The pain I felt that day I would never forget never shake it was like the earth gave way between where we were standing and where we are now. It crumbled like a mountain in the most violent earth quake ever. Fate just bitch slapped me and now I would know exactly what my mother had been saying was right. The only problem was it wasn’t just me it was those babies down the hall too. I was determained we were gonna make it through as much as I didn’t want to I was going to take this new reality and turn it into something great and keep us going I was all they had left and I only half a person was going to become enough. I was going to make sure they knew they were loved taken care of taught to be strong. I was not going to fail them I would once again be their everything because I had to be. We did it my love we did it together even if I couldn’t see you I could feel you every step of the way!
I never thought I could love any child as much as my own children my mom always told me just wait till you see your first grandchild hold your first grandchild it’s a whole different level. I personally thought she was crazy there was no possible way I could love any child ,anyone,or anything as much as I did my first born son! I couldn’t even imagine feeling that in love with any other children I would birth. I was so wrong I love all my children just as much as the first I love them with everything in me. They are the air I breathe and they make my world go round. Everything I do I do for them! But when I first met my grandson it was like holding my first son all over again and now my granddaughter she is the tiny Princess in the house of Princes. The love for a grandchild even surpasses the love of your child. The fun thing is you can love em and spoil em to pieces you aren’t the bad parent you leave the discipline to mom and dad your just their favorite person in the whole world ,their confidant, their playmate and their bestfriend. You get to spoil em and send em back!!Cause you earned that because you couldn’t spoil your own or you would be stuck with consequence of that spoiling. I only wish my love was here his grandchildren would have adored him. He would have been just as crazy about them as I am. Spoiling would be an understatement with him he always told our kids daddy means fun mommy means business.. He would be their best playmate cause he was just as big of a kid as our kis were with an imagination a mile wide. I’m sure hes smiling down and is the imaginary friend only they can see. It’s ok my love for now I’ll love them for us both and spoil them to the moon and teach them all about you and show them pictures as well as videos so you they will know you when we all meet again in Heaven.