Love is Patient

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails

This is one of my favorite bible verses. It was also my loves favorite, so much so we had it read at our wedding. I miss him as much today as I did the day my fairy tale became my nightmare, the day he passed away.

I’ve also kept this verse close to my heart. I’ve got pictures of it hanging in in my home. It will always be attached to the best day of my life,the day I married my Prince Charming. To the day all the world was right.

We were married at the court house me in a simple dress that wasn’t a beautiful wedding dress but just a simple church dress,he in his work uniform. He was beaming that day, so very handsome, his face I’ll never forget. I was so excited, so happy, so in love. He handed me flowers he plucked from the flower bed in the bank parking lot roots and all cause I had no bouquet.. I wish my mom and dad had been there to see how happy we both were.

But it was still a perfect day to me. My brother Ronnie and sister in law Angie came in from Clarksville meeting my love for the first time not knowing he would become a brother to them later on, and what an empty space he would leave for them also. They came to be our best man and maid of honor. It was a short ceremony on the steps of the courthouse but it was perfect to me. He was perfect, our love was perfect.

I’ve tried to raise our children the way he would have wanted if he were here. I’ve tried with everything in me to instill this verse not only into the heads, but into their hearts.

To be like he was kind to everyone. Giving,loving, patient,strong but gentle. To help those in need ,to extend a hand to help your neighbor and love them as if they were family. Toby wasn’t perfect, neither was I but he never shut anyone out that needed help. I remember him stopping and giving a homeless man not only food, but the socks off his feet because it was cold and this man was freezing, and had none. That’s why everyone loved him.

He would give his last breath for his family and last bite of food he had to a stranger. He was not perfect,but he was close enough to perfect for me. He was my everything, my world, my heart, my life.

Atleast I can say we had more love in our few years than most people have in a lifetime, for this I will be forever grateful that I had him for the time I did..But I will miss him for the rest of my life. I know he’s watching over us and still feel him around us.

Who ever says time heals all wounds is soooooo wrong. Time doesn’t heal this pain, this sadness, this heartbreak, it only shows you that the sun will rise, the world will keep turning and you will have to keep going whether you want to or not. Time does help you to remember the good times eventually, to laugh a little about funny memories you have had. It shows you how to wear the mask to hide your pain how to smile even if you don’t want to, how to put one foot in front of the other, and how to start feel something other than numbness, how to breathe, how to slowly let the light back in, how to slowly let love back in again. But the nightmares never go away they only come a little less often for me,and I see him in my dreams when it lets me.. Love is patient, it is kind, it is and always will be the only thing to overcome hate..

Love surpasses even death

What would you do?

Do you know what it’s like to never really go anywhere? Never really talk to anyone? What would you do if this was you?

To work from home teach your children from home someone else goes to the grocery store and if you want to go you are basically made to feel like the person that does normally go really doesn’t want you to go. They say you can but act like it’s a hassle if you do not everytime but most of the time.. Or if you do get lucky enough to go out yourself it’s you and the kids and your phone is buzzing the whole time with someone wanting to know what’s taking so long after being told that going to the store is supposed to be your only break ,your time to decompress from your crazy week you’ve had…Even if it is just the grocery store and as I stated above you have small child/children with you because they are always with you not with anyone else ever…How would you feel? What would you do?

What if the only conversation you ever have is that of a 5 year old all day everyday or the babble of an infant/toddler (not saying the 5yr old chatter or cooing infant is bad thing its not) just saying if out of a full year that’s the only conversation you have ..You only leave your house a total of 10 times or less,and never ever have anyone to talk to…What would you do?

What if your life consisted of the above scenarios,but yet you are surrounded by or live with several other people?That all come and go as they please and if they do happen to stop to acknowledge you it is usually to point out what a mess something is or because they are wanting something..

What if everyone only talked at you never really to you ever? How would you feel?

What if they know so little about you that if their very lives depended on answering questions about you they would be doomed,but yet ,you are the one that does everything for them and knows everything about them not because they told you,not because you have to but because you want to, because you care, because you pay attention to them…You know because you watch their actions you know their moods.

What if you are always there for these same people when they have had a really bad day or to hear about something really great that happened to them..

You are always there to catch them if they fall or pick up the pieces when life shatters them, or just to reassure them that everything is gonna be ok that everything is work out for them ,when they are stressed to the max or worried.. But who is there for you during these same trials?The people you are doing these things for, the same ones that you are always there for without fail?

What if when they’ve finished telling you about their trouble and getting your advise they simply walk away..They also walk away if you start to tell them about your day or your stress..

What if you felt like it really wouldn’t matter if it were you there or not as long as they had someone doing the things above..That they wouldn’t truly notice or miss you as long as they had someone to listen,or to do the things they need done,but it doesn’t matter if its actually you..How would you feel?What would you do?

You are drowning and they never even notice you are gasping for air trying to keep your head above water but you know you are sinking and there is no one there to toss you a life raft or pull you out.

Loneliness, depression, sadness, isolation is hard it’s even harder when you feel ignored by the people you love the most..Its hard when you feel like you are fixing to be swallowed up by this sadness,the loneliness, the nothingness you have come to know so well..Like you are staring down this huge dark rabbit hole of lonliness of emptiness a void of any emotion and you feel the ground giving in beneath your feet but you can’t stop it you can’t move your frozen ,your paralized ,you reach for a hand but there is no one there reaching back for you,no one to save you so you fall and continue falling knowing that no one is coming to your rescue, no warrior, no hero,no one..How would you feel?What would you do?

Would feel like just a ghost in this house?

Sometimes we should stop,pause for just a minute just a second out of our busy important lives,stop long enough to ask the ones we love how their day was. What good or bad thing has happened to them today And care enough about them to want to hear not just pretend to listen.. You never know what even the people beside you have truly been through or are going through the storm they harbor inside..We have become so busy with ourselves we’ve forgot what it’s like to have real empathy, real sympathy for someone else until their gone and then you wish you had the chance to sit and talk with them..Today is a gift and tomorrow isn’t promised I know we hear this phrase but are we actually listening?..

Love your Scars Love, yourself

I’m no size zero I have baby belly and stretch marks and c-sction scar but you know what I love my body I love my stretch Mark’s and I love my scars! They are beautiful they show strength, the show love,they show I’m a mom!They show a mother’s love a love that cant be broken. 😊It shows a love like no other a bond that is unbreakable. It shows that I carried my children, I shared my body with these tiny humans as they grew and formed I gave them my blood,my food ,my nutrients for 9 actually 10 months the first they don’t count it counts to me. It shows that I would give my last breath for you to have your first and would now if it were a choice between me dying or them it would be me. It shows I was willing to have a major surgery to bring you safely in to this world. It shows I would lay my life down to protect or save theirs always anytime, and I would do it without a moments hesitation.

It shows I have a job more important than any other,to bring this tiny life into this life then love and guide them. It shows I’m important, I’m needed. It shows I helped create and carry life. That God chose me to love them. Even the children I didn’t birth, it shows I was chosen to be the one to love them just the same as the ones I carried. It shows a fierce love a love that would fight a grizzly to protect her cubs.. It shows I’m not just a mother I’m a mom!

My Broken heart

I miss you so my love. Life is not the same the empty space,the huge dark void you left is creeping in. My heart is only beating because it has to,I’m only breathing because it’s a reaction not because I want too.

My heart is broken, shattered into a million pieces. The darkness is creeping in my love as it always does when things get hard. I miss your touch, your smell, your kiss. I miss hearing you say everything will be ok baby don’t worry we got this. I miss your strength, the way you always took away my fear, my pain.

I long to be with you so much and I know one day I will, but for now I will see you in my dreams when it let’s me. I feel you from time to time and that brings me comfort. I see you in my dreams and I’m whole again until the sun rises and takes you away once again.

I miss you Toby more than anyone knows. I miss your smile,a smile that could light up a room, the crazy things you did at times like dancing your 1 and only 1 squirrel you got hunting , you were so proud of then our dog sissy grabbed it and ate it. The look on your face was so priceless you weren’t expecting that..I go back to our first date you were so nervous you ran 2 red lights. The poems you would write and give me in the beginning and finally admitting you copied them from a book..I remember the life we had it wasn’t perfect but it was perfect to me.

I think about what might have been all the time. I miss the not feeling lonely when you were here. I remember feeling like I was wanted, like I was needed , like I belonged. I feel so out of place my love I know I’ll keep pushing, I’ll keep breathing, and I’ll be ok but right now I need you so,I miss you so, I always will.

I am the tiny song bird with a broken wing, but also with a broken heart.

Loneliness, my friend

Loneliness is like an old friend from long ago or a confidante, one that I know all to well. To most it gives no comfort but for me this isn’t so, it’s all I’ve ever had like a deep dark part of my soul.

It has never left me, never turned its back or been disappointed in me when my short falls show through..Its never made me promises that it knew weren’t true.

It’s never lied or taken from me.. Its never cared if I wasn’t perfect it just takes me as I am. It’s a deep black place an abyss of suppressed emotions and loves forever lost a lifetime of pain for an orphan passed around a place that’s so deep you would never find the ground.

A place where a once innocent little girl found to go in the midst of pain,fear and hurt. Where every turn was more lonely than one before the place where an unwanted child found solitary confinement from the war she was living in..

A place this child could turn when always being told she was a mistake not planned and prevented the mother that had her from leaving the house of glass..The place she could hide and be not in the way..

A place of comfort the only place she had to play.. Hugs and kisses and were always far and few between and never once was asked just sit and play always told go away. Screaming, yelling and fighting was an everyday routine..No butterfly kisses or being told to stay. The feeling of knowing from the age of 3 that you are burden not a beautiful thing. Being told how imperfect you are and never wanted around.. No wonder loneliness is the best place that she found..

Feelings of not belonging in the time she was living in. Feeling like the unwanted, the last one ever picked. The problem,the curse,the lost. Trying so hard to just stay out of the way and longing to disappear,praying God would turn her tiny lonely self into a beautiful bird ,a song bird that could fly away, far away from this world and away from all the pain..

But this would never be instead she became the broken one the one that wishes still she could only disappear,the ghost,the lonely, the lost one still. Harden more than most a void of most emotions, broken but not shattered she will remain,like the ceramic angel that fell off the mantel and broke itsself into a million pieces,so is she too but not completely lost. To never have known love and only loneliness and cold she still has a heart and loves even when the world knocks her to the ground this lonely ,broken girl will never stay down. I will remain the faceless one,the one that is broken but still here. The one that’s one true friend is loneliness..But still has heart.

Only in my dreams

Sometimes out of the blue something strange,a sound ,a smell, a song will take me back in time where all the world was right..Back to the first time I saw my love,or hugged and kissed him for the first time.

Back to a place where my children were little and had no clue just what a hard life was. They were so happy back then so innocent to all the ugliness of this world. Their biggest pain was a scraped knee and as a mom of course I would kiss it away, or daddy would make it better. Back to a place where my heart was whole and not shattered into the million pieces it would all to soon come crashing down and not meant to be.

Back to a time of hide and seek,and amazing summer nights where it was mommy and daddy and late night fishing on a camping trip gone hilliariously wrong because my oldest brother and my love almost burned down land between the lakes trying to start a campfire.

But then out of the blue a different sound,smell or song makes it goes from those memories to the day half of me went to heaven..The day my life split into and the word pulled the rug right out from under me and my babies..I see my love now smiling happy in my dreams now ,now that my pain has been pushed down and my anger has left..Worst phrase ever is “Time heals all wounds”. This phrase is a lie it never heals,the void remains but time does make it easier to be able to move forward to remember the good times.

Half of me will always be missing I will always have days that are harder than others…I will always have the flashbacks to that fairytale life and the day the fairytale ended way to soon. But the good will always over come the bad to me now because I was blessed to know him,blessed to hold him,blessed to call him mine. I have the best part of that life and that’s our babies that he loved more than life itself and the beautiful grandbabies that he would have spoiled rotten..It never goes away the pain,but it becomes bearable and you learn to crawl before you walk so to speak.. Because you learn to let the light in instead of the dark. You learn to overcome the fear that grips you everytime you start to try to love again. You learn that you are going to be okay and love will come again. “The owner of the broken heart will finally start to mend”, I was so afraid for the longest time that if I let someone in or let someone get close to me they would suffer the same fate as my love. I was so afraid to try to love to try to give my all to anyone else just to lose it all again. Finally I realized I’m not cursed , I will never love anyone like I loved him, but I can love again and that love can be just strong only in a different way. Someone that understands I still have pain, I still am wounded but except me and my babies anyway,love them as his own love these beautiful grandbabies as his own,and isn’t jealous of my love I lost because I do still have nightmares sometimes. To understand that my pain is deep, but love me anyways. My love died in 2001 in 2010 I met the man I’m proud to call mine and he loves me flaws and all..He understands half of me is gone but stands by me and became “The dad he didn’t have to be”(in te famous words of Brad Paisley)”)to my children and is an amazing popaw now to our grandmunkins…He loves them and they all love him.

My love still comes in my dreams but I believe it’s just to say he’s ok..I know he’s with our Father, I know he has no pain,for this I’m thankful for this gives me some peace.

The Darkness

My writing maybe dark seem a bit morbid to some I suppose it is because it’s part of me,part of you part of the darkness we don’t want others to see. Maybe it’s because of death I have no fear or because of things I’ve survived in this life. Maybe its because I love the things that others fear I see beauty in the darkness and in its many imperfections of its soul. The darkness does not scare me only comforts me like an old friend I’ve come to know so well. The darkness does not hide itself nor the shadows that dwell within it only brings the night and I’m with you once again. The darkness does not try to be more than what it is a large night sky or blackness an overpowering abyss. I will face the darkness and carry it with me for all my scars to see. I am its friend and it is mine and forever this will be. The darkness is a place,a place the lonely go,where the pain can’t see it’s way to haunt me. The place where me the broken one doesn’t feel so alone, because there is others here,the lost, the wounded, the ones to broke to fly but we are not alone I have the darkness and he has I…A place of where broken dreams and promises of a tiny blonde haired girl now dwells and the hopes that died with them,what seems like an eternity ago. A place of comfort for me where all that’s wrong seems so right, a place where nothing can touch me ,a place of peace until its filled with light. Even the Angel’s fear to tread where the darkness lives and the demons of the past sees it as it is all consuming waiting to swallow them up and send them back where they belong. To me its calming,guiding and stands as a shelter in the storm we call life!

Love,Loss,and Kids

So true!You are stronger than you know!

“Strength and Healing” comes from Within.. It starts with letting go, having blind Faith and just Jumping in Head first. Let your heart guide you and your Soul lead you! Let go and just breathe..

The light

When you get down just look at me,
When you feel lonely know I love you.
When you feel like your nobody special remember I think you hung the moon.
When you feel like giving in and giving up remember I’m watching your every move, looking up to you for guidance for strength just like my brothers before me.
Just remember our bond is different in a way I was sent to light your way as well as you light mine, remember I wouldn’t dare blow my birthday candles out without you there I cried to blow yours out on your birthday too but I couldn’t be there.

Remember how you made a special trip to blow out one of mommies scented candles, so I would be ok. mommy says there is nothing here that’s not been before , if this is true then Maybe just maybe I’m a friend from long ago taken way to soon ,or maybe more recent and I just knew you needed me or maybe I needed you. So I returned, returned for you to calm the storm ,the storm that lies beneath ,the storm that only we can see.

I need you and you need me I’m your light and you are mine the light I need when life gets tough til I’m old enough to face the same. I bring you love,and only love, no more pain.. I know the road gets long and the burdens way to heavy, to heavy to carry alone, So I was sent to you to be the beacon, the light house on the shore line the light that leads you home.