Just Be You!

Motivational speech for anyone needing it!!
Dare to be different!! Our whole lives we are asked off and on who we want to be!? I have battled my demons still do everyday, I have loved and lost and survived and learned to love again,I have and do battle with PTSD from past traumas, I survived esophageal cancer and getting hit by a motorcycle cycle when I was little and had every bone in my body broke in full body cast , I had to learn to walk again after the crash.. I have had moments I don’t like the woman in the mirror, I have had children after being told it was a possibility I never would! I’ve struggled with my self and others opinions of me. I’ve dealt with tragedy and having to get back up whether I wanted to or Not!! My life isn’t perfect it’s full of the sound of madness and chaos, beautiful ,lovely ,chaos. It’s full of the sound of my children small and grown it’s full of picking them up when life thrust a curve ball at them. It’s full of my grandchildren’s love and laughter.. It’s full of the love of my superman most days, other days I want to smother him , jk jkjk lol…He’s truly my love .. But one thing I’ve learned is when the World says you CAN’T you CAN.. When life throws that curve ball you learn to catch it or take the hit!!! BUT u get back up and you try again.. Failure is not an option when so many u love is watching.. Instead you have to be strong do what’s needed to give them the best life! My life is far from perfect but it’s Exactly what I wanted to BE.. God Knew this even if I didn’t! I’m a mother, a grandmother, a daughter ,a sister, a aunt, a great aunt a granddaughter, a disciplinarian, a friend, a fiancee , a kisser of boo boos , an imaginary adventurer ,a playmate to the littles a hide and seeker which they normally beat me at but hey their cuteness Overload🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♂️🤦‍♀️ But above all else I’m just me 🙌🙌👏..Dare to be different, Dare to love whole heartly and without limitations, When you lose love just know it will come again, Dare to step outside your box and be who you really are when know one else is watching not the who that you think they want you to be! DARE TO TRULY BE WHO GOD INTENDED, JUST BE YOU!!! CAUSE YOU ARE PERFECTLY IMPERFECT ,BUT YOU ARE PERFECT TO ME AND GOD!! Be safe , be blessed, but remember to be you!

Alone

She don’t want the world. Her days are always filled with the sound of baby talk and the patter of little feet. The excitement of children’s laughter and story time this is all shes known since she was 19. She is blessed with gift of this, but she’s alone. She wouldn’t change or trade these moments for anything in the world but she wishes sometimes she had someone her age to talk to her when the depression of life now and life from the past creeps in. She don’t regret the life she has and thanks God everyday but wishes she had someone to ease her growing pain, an ear to listen or just to talk even if it’s about nothing at all. She looks in the mirror and sees a young old woman staring back at her. She smiles all the time and helps anyone she can she tries her best to keep up the facade of having no worries, no stress, no pain; but the mask she wears starts to crack the darkness inside is seeping through. Pain from a life of a little girl lost, life of crazy chaos the little girl never should have been through. Pain of loss she never saw coming the loss of innocence at a tender age. Then loss of her fairytale at 23 she’s alone.Life has not been kind to her but it doesn’t matter she is kind to it. She has compassion and empathy even when she never really receives any herself. She laughs when she’s really feels like crying she fights back pain and tears so others never see until she’s alone. She cries into her pillow and wishes she didn’t have the demons she has the stress of depression that no one she loves could truly understand. Night terrors and pictures of the past weigh heavy on her heart and mind. Secrets that shes never shared of things that eat her up inside that engulf her.. She loves with all she has but she’s always feels alone even in a crowded room she never quite belongs. The darkness inside the heavy heart she carries keeps her trapped. But it doesn’t matter because the next day the sun comes up and she once again puts on her mask, puts on her smile and gets ready to do the best she can to lift up the people around her and repeat each day like the day before knowing that night is coming and her tears are too into her pillow alone, but it’s ok she’s wore this mask since she was just a tiny little girl, one that was broken and damaged and never ,ever whole one that was forgotten and alone then too, now a woman that knows being alone must have been hard because she is the girl and bears the scars, carries the pain she is now the keeper of secrets the guardian of a broken heart from a life before. So she leans on the only one she knows is there God cause she is alone. He carries her and walks by her side now she sees she was never fully alone even if that’s how she feels he’s there and always will be she carries him inside. He hears her cries, he wipes her tears, he weeps with her, and tries to ease her pain and fears. Without him all would be lost because she has no one else to help carry her heavy , heavy cross.

Hate breeds Hate, only Love can save us.

There was no excuse for what happened to George Floyd but his death should Not incite more pain more Hate.. It should not be used to divide each other.. Racism on all sides is ugly its bred from ignorance and people refusing to see each others as human beings instead of a color, its bred from hate and fear and only breeds hate and fear! Hate only breeds Hate, Love is the only thing that can save us! Have u ever wondered how far God will let his creations that he loves so much go before he brings upon us all the End… I think he is sorely disappointed with the very thing he sacrificed his son for treating each other the way we do! And it’s just a matter of time before hes done. Hate only breeds Hate, Love is the only thing that can save us! #AllLivesMatter #bluelivesmatter#backtheblue#blacklivesmatter#redlivesmater#yellowlivesmatter#whitelivesmatter All lives matter to Someone!

A funny way

https://youtu.be/8JSdy3nLLYA

Life has a funny wicked sense of humor.. It will take the breath out of you when u least expect it… It will throat punch u so hard it feels like the universe is against u! I learned this lesson may years ago when I lost my love and again not to long ago under a different circumstance this song is so true it leaves a scar u can’t reverse a scar that never heals and it takes an even more exceptional person to be with someone so broken to try to fix what’s not fixable, to love where love let down! It takes a person with integrity, with compassion ,with empathy to put the pieces to Humpty Dumpty together again it takes someone strong yet gentle to forge a heart shattered into something whole again . Love is worth the fight and I watch people throw it away over and over again walking through life leaving destruction in their very wake until life decides it’s their turn to suffer by then its to late they have lost the one that meant the most while chasing something that wasn’t theirs to start with… Love is the only thing that can conquer hate it’s the only thing that saved us all from certain doom and gave us eternal life!

Well I have

Have you ever felt so lonely that you feel like it doesn’t matter if you are here or not? That you are only wanted around when someone wants something? Well I have..

Have you ever fell down the deep ,dark ,winding Rabbit Hole like Alice from wonderland, only to find it’s not a magical land on the other side only darkness? Darkness that is darker than dark, an abyss kind of darkness.. A depressing, lost,listless kind of darkness.. Well I have..

Or feel like you have been threw away like a broken or unwanted toy like the Velveteen Rabbit?Set a side and forgotten no longer wanted not really needed, just in the way..Used up, tossed,set a side, threw away, unwanted, forgotten, feeling so consumed, so lost, never to be found.. Well I have.

Have you ever felt pain not just  physical pain but emotional pain and not the kind of pain any medicine can fix or any doctor can mend… Broken,shattered, ripped into? Never fitting in from the day you were born, never wanted, never needed,confused, consumed by own emotions, your own thoughts, your own demons.. Demons that you never asked but were given as a small child, and cross that was way to heavy to even hold up much less carry but had no choice but to carry it regardless.. Well I have..

Anxiety, depression, sadness, worthlessness.. Never truly feeling any value because your were doomed, damaged, lost from the start..Fighting a battle inside to fit a square peg into a round hole; born innocent but given a life sentence of walking in darkness because your were told you were a mistake a reminder of someone else’s actions.. Then made a pawn in game you never asked to play.. Told repeatedly you were an accident not planned.. Pulled in a million different directions by not only the adults around you but the demons and burdens placed on you that you are forced to keep, forced to carry.. Well I have..

And then you spend each year still carrying all this, only wanting to set it down for just a minute or even a second because your shoulders and body, and mind need a break,a breath.. Before you continue on down this weary road, this journey, this path. This path of feeling so out of place, useless, so unnecessary to the ones you love the most.. Trying so hard to get a little praise like a puppy thats done good, validation, truly loved instead of in the way.. Well I have..

Have you ever prayed for the end of the time not fearing it because you are just so tired, so beaten, so defeated, weary.. Well I have.

Because you just want to go back to the place from which you came, the place where there are no mistakes, no burdens, no demons, no more pain..A place where love is and happiness is all reigns.

Then lift your head and know that someone else feels your pain, that your not alone.. There is others suffering to bearing the same burdens, carrying this same cross, walking this same path, feeling just as broken, busted, shattered as you for I am one of them. Our names may be different; but I bet our stories are similar if not the same..There are others suffering the same. Know that someone else out there understands and the light is there even if you feel you can’t see it ; it’s there and waiting you will find it, Stay strong don’t give up, don’t give in!!

Forgiveness or Nothing

Sometimes we think the world is right. That it’s going our way going so good not a worry in site. The stars have aligned just for you. Then BAM here comes a sucker punch a hit so hard it takes your breath away, sometimes it’s a repeat of something we have been through before, sometimes it’s something more. It’s a blow so hard that your world shakes, because it’s something that makes you question your self worth, yourself, your looks ,your values. Cheating is one of these things. But I was only talking to her I didn’t do anything, I didn’t cheat..WRONG!!!EVEN THINKING OF SOMEONE ELSE IS CONSIDERED CHEATING!! If you have someone, a family, a spouse.. But definitely talking to someone else is cheating.. The heart of the other person shatters, it breaks, it hurts.. The question is do you forgive? And I don’t mean do you say you forgive but I won’t forget? Do you question their every move now? Do you worry now continually about something you have no control over? 10 years and several children later, or give up, throw your hands up and just walk away throw away the years that you’ve had? If you choose to forgive then truly forgive and don’t say but I won’t forget. Don’t live a life of stressing and worrying about where that person is or what they are doing. Don’t live with the constant worry of who they are talking to every time they pick the phone up. Truly forgive or Nothing at all.. Don’t say an empty phrase, forgiveness is not for the one you are forgiving, it’s for you… It takes away that worry, it helps you know your worth, because “fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me” is a great phrase!! I do believe sometimes life throws a curve ball but you can catch it.. I do believe people make mistakes, Lord knows I have made plenty, and I truly believe something’s is worth fighting for and deserves a second chance, because maybe catching it when it’s just talking on phone is a sign to fix it before the it goes any farther.. Before it makes to the point of no return.. When the person is truly sorry and you can truly and whole heartedly forgive because you see your fault and they admit theirs, maybe that is the stars stopping a huge mistake.. Aligning for you once again, making a way for you both to start fresh to go back to the start and fix what is wrong.

Like the Sands in the Hourglass

It’s really funny how when we are young we wish to grow up. When we finally do grow up we wish we could turn back the hand of time,back to childhood. I have this run through my mind as well from time to time,but not exactly childhood ,my childhood wasn’t the best and I think if I was a kid again I wouldn’t have my kids! Not to mention my childhood was kinda a mix of a war zone and crazy premanitions. Yes I said premonitions and more. If I could turn back time flip the hour glass I would want to see my love one more time,my soulmate, my life. I would want my fairytale back where I had safety, security, and the love of a lifetime. But yet again I wouldn’t have my other children I have now I would have my oldest 2 they would be little once again, innocent, believing in fairytales and the man in the moon. Life would not have knocked them down or become so harsh, they would have their daddy their hero,my love. But I wouldn’t have the younger kids. Life was so much better with him. We weren’t rich but we were rich In love. We made it through the hard times together as one. Sometimes my mind takes back to the happiness, to the place where I can see him even if it is only for a brief moment. One thing I’ve learned as an adult is that sometimes life goes by to quick like the sand when the hourglass is flipped. What I mean is you can be happy one minute, not a care in the world with the one you love and the next they are gone to soon like a passing ship in the night, a timer on a board game, or the sands of time, pouring through the hourglass. But I truly believe when evil causes your world to crash down on your shoulders. Hitting like bricks,or boulders, I believe God is holding you tight, close to his side. I firmly believe when one door slams, when it closes he is there and opens another, sometimes better than the one that is closed on you. That he keeps you from spiraling, he catches you while you are falling, crumbling, coming apart. I am blessed to have my babies, well some of my babies aren’t babies anymore they are grown, but to me no matter their age they will always be my babies. Today is a day I cherish because even through my pain I find joy in my life. I find a light shining so bright ,that light calls me mom, makes me crazy at times but I wouldn’t trade any one of them. God knows what you need when you need it! And I thank him daily for the good and bad in my life. I see him in my children I know where my love is, and I would never want to take him from being with the father back to a place he would have to work and slave to make it because times are so much harder now than they were then. I will wait because there is a place for me , one day when I go home to.

Love is Patient

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails

This is one of my favorite bible verses. It was also my loves favorite, so much so we had it read at our wedding. I miss him as much today as I did the day my fairy tale became my nightmare, the day he passed away.

I’ve also kept this verse close to my heart. I’ve got pictures of it hanging in in my home. It will always be attached to the best day of my life,the day I married my Prince Charming. To the day all the world was right.

We were married at the court house me in a simple dress that wasn’t a beautiful wedding dress but just a simple church dress,he in his work uniform. He was beaming that day, so very handsome, his face I’ll never forget. I was so excited, so happy, so in love. He handed me flowers he plucked from the flower bed in the bank parking lot roots and all cause I had no bouquet.. I wish my mom and dad had been there to see how happy we both were.

But it was still a perfect day to me. My brother Ronnie and sister in law Angie came in from Clarksville meeting my love for the first time not knowing he would become a brother to them later on, and what an empty space he would leave for them also. They came to be our best man and maid of honor. It was a short ceremony on the steps of the courthouse but it was perfect to me. He was perfect, our love was perfect.

I’ve tried to raise our children the way he would have wanted if he were here. I’ve tried with everything in me to instill this verse not only into the heads, but into their hearts.

To be like he was kind to everyone. Giving,loving, patient,strong but gentle. To help those in need ,to extend a hand to help your neighbor and love them as if they were family. Toby wasn’t perfect, neither was I but he never shut anyone out that needed help. I remember him stopping and giving a homeless man not only food, but the socks off his feet because it was cold and this man was freezing, and had none. That’s why everyone loved him.

He would give his last breath for his family and last bite of food he had to a stranger. He was not perfect,but he was close enough to perfect for me. He was my everything, my world, my heart, my life.

Atleast I can say we had more love in our few years than most people have in a lifetime, for this I will be forever grateful that I had him for the time I did..But I will miss him for the rest of my life. I know he’s watching over us and still feel him around us.

Who ever says time heals all wounds is soooooo wrong. Time doesn’t heal this pain, this sadness, this heartbreak, it only shows you that the sun will rise, the world will keep turning and you will have to keep going whether you want to or not. Time does help you to remember the good times eventually, to laugh a little about funny memories you have had. It shows you how to wear the mask to hide your pain how to smile even if you don’t want to, how to put one foot in front of the other, and how to start feel something other than numbness, how to breathe, how to slowly let the light back in, how to slowly let love back in again. But the nightmares never go away they only come a little less often for me,and I see him in my dreams when it lets me.. Love is patient, it is kind, it is and always will be the only thing to overcome hate..

Love surpasses even death

What would you do?

Do you know what it’s like to never really go anywhere? Never really talk to anyone? What would you do if this was you?

To work from home teach your children from home someone else goes to the grocery store and if you want to go you are basically made to feel like the person that does normally go really doesn’t want you to go. They say you can but act like it’s a hassle if you do not everytime but most of the time.. Or if you do get lucky enough to go out yourself it’s you and the kids and your phone is buzzing the whole time with someone wanting to know what’s taking so long after being told that going to the store is supposed to be your only break ,your time to decompress from your crazy week you’ve had…Even if it is just the grocery store and as I stated above you have small child/children with you because they are always with you not with anyone else ever…How would you feel? What would you do?

What if the only conversation you ever have is that of a 5 year old all day everyday or the babble of an infant/toddler (not saying the 5yr old chatter or cooing infant is bad thing its not) just saying if out of a full year that’s the only conversation you have ..You only leave your house a total of 10 times or less,and never ever have anyone to talk to…What would you do?

What if your life consisted of the above scenarios,but yet you are surrounded by or live with several other people?That all come and go as they please and if they do happen to stop to acknowledge you it is usually to point out what a mess something is or because they are wanting something..

What if everyone only talked at you never really to you ever? How would you feel?

What if they know so little about you that if their very lives depended on answering questions about you they would be doomed,but yet ,you are the one that does everything for them and knows everything about them not because they told you,not because you have to but because you want to, because you care, because you pay attention to them…You know because you watch their actions you know their moods.

What if you are always there for these same people when they have had a really bad day or to hear about something really great that happened to them..

You are always there to catch them if they fall or pick up the pieces when life shatters them, or just to reassure them that everything is gonna be ok that everything is work out for them ,when they are stressed to the max or worried.. But who is there for you during these same trials?The people you are doing these things for, the same ones that you are always there for without fail?

What if when they’ve finished telling you about their trouble and getting your advise they simply walk away..They also walk away if you start to tell them about your day or your stress..

What if you felt like it really wouldn’t matter if it were you there or not as long as they had someone doing the things above..That they wouldn’t truly notice or miss you as long as they had someone to listen,or to do the things they need done,but it doesn’t matter if its actually you..How would you feel?What would you do?

You are drowning and they never even notice you are gasping for air trying to keep your head above water but you know you are sinking and there is no one there to toss you a life raft or pull you out.

Loneliness, depression, sadness, isolation is hard it’s even harder when you feel ignored by the people you love the most..Its hard when you feel like you are fixing to be swallowed up by this sadness,the loneliness, the nothingness you have come to know so well..Like you are staring down this huge dark rabbit hole of lonliness of emptiness a void of any emotion and you feel the ground giving in beneath your feet but you can’t stop it you can’t move your frozen ,your paralized ,you reach for a hand but there is no one there reaching back for you,no one to save you so you fall and continue falling knowing that no one is coming to your rescue, no warrior, no hero,no one..How would you feel?What would you do?

Would feel like just a ghost in this house?

Sometimes we should stop,pause for just a minute just a second out of our busy important lives,stop long enough to ask the ones we love how their day was. What good or bad thing has happened to them today And care enough about them to want to hear not just pretend to listen.. You never know what even the people beside you have truly been through or are going through the storm they harbor inside..We have become so busy with ourselves we’ve forgot what it’s like to have real empathy, real sympathy for someone else until their gone and then you wish you had the chance to sit and talk with them..Today is a gift and tomorrow isn’t promised I know we hear this phrase but are we actually listening?..

Love your Scars Love, yourself

I’m no size zero I have baby belly and stretch marks and c-sction scar but you know what I love my body I love my stretch Mark’s and I love my scars! They are beautiful they show strength, the show love,they show I’m a mom!They show a mother’s love a love that cant be broken. 😊It shows a love like no other a bond that is unbreakable. It shows that I carried my children, I shared my body with these tiny humans as they grew and formed I gave them my blood,my food ,my nutrients for 9 actually 10 months the first they don’t count it counts to me. It shows that I would give my last breath for you to have your first and would now if it were a choice between me dying or them it would be me. It shows I was willing to have a major surgery to bring you safely in to this world. It shows I would lay my life down to protect or save theirs always anytime, and I would do it without a moments hesitation.

It shows I have a job more important than any other,to bring this tiny life into this life then love and guide them. It shows I’m important, I’m needed. It shows I helped create and carry life. That God chose me to love them. Even the children I didn’t birth, it shows I was chosen to be the one to love them just the same as the ones I carried. It shows a fierce love a love that would fight a grizzly to protect her cubs.. It shows I’m not just a mother I’m a mom!